My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
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i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize