I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
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im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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