I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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