I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
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What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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