her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
We named our party play list daddy issues
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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