I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
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