I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
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it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
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Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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