i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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