I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
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i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
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I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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