I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
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I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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