Soap is not a condiment
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
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I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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