All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
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Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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