ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
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what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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