I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
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She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
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Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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