Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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