How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
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He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
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I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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