For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
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At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
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I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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