is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize