I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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