Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
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she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
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I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
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