Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
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He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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