Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
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The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
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I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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