She went from zero to smokin in five shots
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
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his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
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I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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