Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
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I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
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You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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