Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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