i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
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Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
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I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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