mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize