last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
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My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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