I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
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i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
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I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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