All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize