I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
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Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
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When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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