I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize