My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
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I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
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He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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