I faked an abortion last night.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize