Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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