I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
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I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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