everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
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