How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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