You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
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Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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