I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As shirtless as possible
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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