I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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