thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize