I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize