I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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