I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
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he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
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I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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