I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
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Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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