I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
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I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
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We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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