you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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