He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize