I puked a lego.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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